Unstable

(old writings)


Unstable, I stumble, and fall into this pit. Life is peculiar... so funny in fact that, were I to die now, it’d be laughing myself to death.

I think it’s funny how straight forward others are in pointing out my defaults. I think it’s funny how their objectivity dissempowers self evaluation for them. I think it’s funny how what was once so strong has withered, and now all I can ask for is the once-a-week obligatory phone call. I think it’s funny how obsessive I am about others’ non obsessiveness about me. I think it’s funny how paranoia works. I think it’s funny how I only see myself in context of their opinions and social reviews of me. I think it’s funny how the stories I tell seem to make only my heart beat faster. I think it’s funny how filmic representation has made such an impact on my ideology, that distinguishing for me, is now so hard to do.

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I think it’s funny how no matter how we walk and talk in the different roles we play, inadequacies always outweigh the proposed confidence and we become transparent for it. I think it’s funny how longing for sets me up for overexposed pictures from the negatives I was so keen to see. I think it’s funny how I go through life as this glowing ball of influential energy, yet am unable to consume it myself. I think it’s funny how I can rant and rave on paper and then tell myself I’ve dealt with those frustrations, that anger, that pain. I think it’s funny how after all that, there is still a glimpse of hope, even if disguised in one single persons acknowledgement of me. I think it’s funny how in the short time we’re given, we toss aside lessons that continually slap us in the face and persist to take time and life for granted. I think it’s funny how ‘we’ becomes ‘he’ becomes ‘we’ becomes ‘I,’ (alone). I think it’s funny that I see it that way and still waste time and energy worrying, and controlling.

Ergo, I think it’s funny how unstable we all are. Unstable, we (all) stumble, falling into this pit (with me).


© Dylan Balkind 2001